Words here cannot possibly describe how I felt about this little tweety bird that I know of.

It's been more than 2 years since I have known her and ever since then my life has been full of up and downs with most of my mood swings tied to this little bird. It was really a love-hate relationship that I have. I really like her so much to the point where I will literally give her the entire world if I could. Yet she had brought me so much unhappiness that I would definitely not want to remember. It’s really easier to be loved than to love.

This passage here really made me pondered and it really accurately depicts what I have been feeling. http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/dont-wait-for-anyone-wknd/ I have decided to paste the entire passage here as it was really one hell of a good read.

‘‘There are people you will always wait for. You want them to be a part of your life, to approve of your decisions, to love you in the way you love them. Even if they say, in so many words, “I am not interested,” you will choose to interpret it as a temporary speed bump instead of the road block it was intended to be. You can lose months, years, waiting for someone who has already made it clear they have no desire to catch up. You wait for them largely because you think that, in the time between now and when they realize they actually care about you, you’ll be able to change into the person they likely want you to be. You’ll be wittier, thinner, happier, and more fun. You’ll have become the person you know you’re capable of being, and they will have magically realized that they were wrong.

There are people who make you wait. Worse still than those for whom you wait of your own volition, these are the people who know they have a certain amount of control and influence over your life and use it to make sure you don’t go anywhere while they look around for the possibility of better options. You are a placeholder for them, someone who can fill in for real emotions in a pinch but isn’t who they dream about at night. The idea is that you will be on standby, waiting for them to decide you deserve a few minutes of their time, and will be happy with whatever they let you have.

What is the worst part of waiting for someone? Is it the constant state of never knowing? There is something to be said for the stomach-dropping uncertainty of having no control or say over someone who is so intensely tied to your emotions. It can become addictive, the feeling of endless waiting punctuated by the occasional moment of a text or call or vague indicator of affection which can tide you over for another few weeks or so. But it is undoubtedly the humiliation inherent in waiting for someone which is the most profoundly insulting, which leaves scars you will pick at for years to come. To be this person who is dependent on another for happiness, for affirmation, for permission to exist the way you choose to — how embarrassing. It conjures up words like “desperate,” “needy,” or “annoying,” words you know only hit the tip of the iceberg.

There is never a good outcome in waiting for someone. There is only life to be missed, and parts of yourself to hide away in an effort to be what you imagine they want. There are only edges to be dulled and dignity to hand over to someone else. There is much to be lost in waiting for someone. And sure, there are times when two people are waiting for each other — when logistics or circumstances are keeping them apart for whatever reason. But that is not waiting. That is not lingering at the edge of some invisible cliff, waiting to be pushed off. That is love as much as any other, if only separated by a few inconvenient outside factors. Waiting is the absence of love, the decision to put yourself in a chronic state of unhappiness on the off-chance that the one you love will take pity on it and love you back.

Love never works that way. There is no amount of self-flagellation that will add up to enough credit to get someone to reciprocate your feelings. We have all lost time waiting for someone who never noticed us — or, at least, never noticed the person we actually were. We have all done that dance of being The Perfect Person in an effort to trick someone into finding us lovable. But waiting only ever hurts the one who engages in it, only humiliates those who put aside their self-respect long enough to say that someone else’s happiness is more important than their own. We are told non-stop to sit and wait passively for the love of someone else to come and make things better, to wait until it validates and beautifies and rewards us for having been so patient. But think of all the wonderful things we could be doing instead of waiting, the people we could be if we weren’t tempering our us-ness to impress someone else. Surely even a mediocre day lived fully is better than the best day which is spent in waiting.’’

It was really hard to try and try again thinking that I will have a chance one day. Probably one day she’ll find out that no other guy has treated her as well as me. Maybe this maybe that? It’s literally full of internal struggles within my puny brain. There’s this constant battle to give up or not to give up. And then this passage hit me.

What I have been doing is not love at all! Love should never be so one sided. Where’s the happiness of liking someone? Or the adrenaline when the other person asks how you or what are you doing? It should never been me being so one sided always giving a listening ear! I am really a sensory person and often than not I could predict what she want to say or how she wants me to react. It’s those minute hints that I incorporated when talking to her to show that I really care.

How often do you hear a guy being so troubled over a girl for eternity? How often do you hear a guy cry because of a girl? How often do you see a guy bending at your will to meet you when you decide to meet? I can seriously tell you that I am one hell of a person with pride to everyone but you. I could literally put down my pride just for your sake.

Oh well it’s true that you did not ask for it and did not send me the wrong signals. Everything’s more of my fault for assuming too much. That’s why this has to stop! Right now right here today.

The passage really hit me hard. If it’s meant to be it it’s meant to be. If I truly have a chance there wouldn’t be new boyfriends in the middle of these 2 years. It goes to show that time is never really a factor in relationships for girls. If that guy is right and everything suits her criteria a few weeks would be enough. Not some long two year old courtship here and there. Maybe it was me being in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person.

But I really really really admire this little tweet. She’s really one hell of a strong fighter with so much stuff overwhelming her. I will not deny the fact that I will crumble if I am in her shoes. That’s why I have decided probably it’s heaven’s will for me to be here as her friend.

Just someone who will be there for her even if the entire world turned their backs on her.

Just someone who’s always there to listen to her troubles and cheer her up with whatever ways a Dumbo could think of.

Just someone who I could never expect anything in return.

Just someone who can never fulfill her expectations of someone she can like or respect.

Just someone who can be taken for granted for always being there.  

Just someone who will never be angry no matter how harsh I am treated.

Just someone who constantly worries about your wellbeing be it rain or shine.

Just someone who stalks you every day on your updates hoping you’re doing fine.

However this time, I will be there as a friend. Not someone who likes you or someone who loves you. It’s time for me to seek out my own happiness as well. Not placing yours above mine as I have given up on myself far too much. I deserve more don’t I? There are always lessons to be learnt and lessons to be taught. It’s all this emotion that makes us human isn’t it? Being able to hate, being able to love, being able to breathe in another breathe of air and tell ourselves that we are alive. There’s so much in life that I have missed! Being able to decide for myself, have fun with everyone without worrying! Life itself is an irony. We always cherish things that we have lost and being complacent on things that we have. Self-destruction will never be a viable option. It will only show how weak that person is. It’s the attention that everyone seeks subconsciously. The craving for being loved and being wanted, it makes us feel human. Makes us feel special that hey someone is missing me! Life itself is also a zero sum game. You gain something and you lose something. There’s no perfect person in the world. You can be handsome but poor, ugly but happy. It really depends on what perspective you’re looking at. If you think you feel sad, naturally the brain will send signals to your body that yes you’re sad! So why be sad when you can be so much happier as a person! I want to believe that everything happens for a reason. Probably this is where I grow up, be a man and be a better person. There’s no right or wrong in relationships and I will and still be there for you. However this time I will place my needs above yours. That’s how it should be isn’t it! Although I know you’ll never have the chance to read this, I want to say I did not regret knowing you. There’s bound to be happiness and sadness in relationships. Why look at the sadness and not the happiness you brought me? One day I will find that special someone and show you to her proudly this is someone whom I have liked in the past! J

Hello my beloved dead blog!! *clears web*

It's really been a long long long while since I blogged. Well nowadays got so many social networks like twitter for me to vent my frustration that I seldom use blogger already. Because when I do blog I will be like a long winded ah pek going on and on and on yada yada..

This year has indeed passed in the blink of an eye with the greatest transition in my life. From a student to a working adult. Aww.. Kinda really miss the full time student life lazing around studying at my own pace and enjoying council activities getting to know more people. The year's been full of ups and downs I suppose? But wait! At least it did not end in a really really bad way right. Like how they said the world would end on the 21/12/12. Heng never end! Else I would die a virgin. My first kiss too! =.="

Let's see.. Each year there are the same few specific aspects of my life that I would really put them as resolutions of the new year. Firstly would be education. I am a graduate liao lo!! So glad that this freaking Year of the Dragon at least let me attain my Degree with Distinction. Was really really pleased with myself for attaining that although I know very well that its useless in the working society. But at least let me aim high and feel better for myself can! =) Since I am studying full time must well maximize its worth right? Get distinction while joining council. Enough said.. Had a great university life minus a few hiccups. Ok maybe a little more.. (Tweet Tweet) HAHAHA.  But I am glad that I did study hard as once you have gained the knowledge that knowledge is yours and no one can ever take it from you. It really helps you in the most amazing ways from understanding stuffs around the world to probably working and most importantly further studies. I have decided to take up CFA instead of masters in the meantime as I feel guys really need to study more and currently a Bachelors is really useless in the society whereby any donkey like me has it. It has come to a point whereby an education further up is much needed for career progression I realized. The working world really does open your eyes on how puny I am. I had just finish my exams on Dec 1st for CFA level 1 with results on the 22nd of January. Really worried! Hope I do pass.. =/ 

But why CFA? Hmmm.. I have always wanted to be an analyst (Well.. It keeps changing =x) after the Investment project in University. Being an analyst seems to be so cool! Analyzing companies and people putting their money based on what you wrote. Probably really analyzing companies with the company's funds and benefiting from it personally. =x In any case I have also missed the application for the Masters program when I have decided to further studies in July when I started work. I was in such a kan cheong mood to take CFA level 1 as level 2 and 3 are only offered once per year in June. So if I did not take level 1 in June than December I would need to wait an entire year just for the freaking level 2. Most of the times my choices are based on time! Like university how I choose Economics and Finance than Business Management. Although at times it may seemed like the ladies in the course are a factor of choice but I would always prove otherwise (Logistics and Economics & Finance). But lately after studying CFA I felt that probably being an analyst will not be something that I desire after all the accounting comes in. An analyst has to analyze all the freaking dumb balance sheets, cash flow statements and income statements. T.T Shall wait for my results to decide on my next move. If I pass I will definitely continue level 2 in June which is another hellish mugging within 4 months. =(

I found work! Those close to me will know where I am working. Work has been not bad. The people here are really wonderful! I prayed to have a nice working environment and colleagues who will have lunch with me. Boy am I glad that my prayers were answered! Although initially I was quite pissed off as my learning curve till now was sadly to say minimal with not much room for growth. However this job gave me ample of time to study my CFA during working hours as I am under projects with workload that varies. If not for the current work situation I may not have studied that much for exam preparation. I really need to thank my lucky stars be it I pass or fail my CFA. Really really enjoyed working at the moment although there were times I was really pissed. My objective now is still to study than gain work experience. At least my department is not bad! Risk Management! HAHAHA Quite a nice department to add into my resume. =x Fate really works in mysterious ways. Still remember telling people that I want to work in Risk Management during Sem 5 which I later changed to Analyst. Somehow I got into risk management! HAHAHA Talking about getting things when you least expected it. I will cherish it. =)

Next would be family for new year resolutions. This year there has been so much happening in my family. Problems after problems. Issues after issues. At times it was really unbearable. ='( My grandpa passed away and my brother had an operation to remove his tumor in his chest. But I am glad that my family has grown closer than before after all these. So I can count that my resolution of being closer to my family is somewhat achieved? Of course I will still try to take it up a notch for the years to come. Family are still the most important people in our lives. When anything happens your friends would not be there to help you. Your colleagues will not be there. When trouble happens that's when family steps in. This is why I will never ever go on overseas work attachment. I really really dislike the changes that I face when I come back like OSIP. Although I am adaptable to changes, I still dislike changes. People change. Friends change. Environment change. Probably I hate it when relationships change. Not romantically but normal friendships too. 

Next would be myself. Ahhh.. One word: CUI! Really damn jia lat. Getting fatter and fatter each year. Probably still going through puberty at the moment. Still growing (Sideways) and sprouting pimples. Being love broken. Signs of going through puberty LOL I really tend to eat a lot during studying. As I need food to aid my thought process. Studying part time is far worst! After work still must study where got time to run! How? Tell me how? My face is also damn cui. Just went to Maple clinic last weekend and kanna bombed $160. 3 weeks later going back to get bombed again. T.T Seriously, next year I need to get back in shape (See my BMT photo). If I can I will really make braces for my lousy teeth. That's about it for myself. This resolution always somehow fails each and every year! Why? Tell me why! 

Relationships wise.. GAVE UP! Really tiring to wish for it every year. Even CNY while lo hei I also go 'kuai dian zao dao nu peng you!' =x Probably the more I wish for it the more evasive it becomes. It's like the cab syndrome. When you need cabs there are none to be found. When you don't need them millions are in front of you telling you to ride me ride me. So maybe next year? Either way I have absolutely ZERO ability to have a girlfriend now too. My pay is all gone to paying my polytechnic, university and CFA school fees (60%). Can't even feed myself how to go on dates? Pray that I can find someone who's self sufficient! Although that's one of my personal criteria. =x Please intro me more lady friends! I work in a male dominated work environment! The youngest single lady is in her thirties. Although she is VP but the age gap is far too big! Jiu jiu ni de peng you ba!

What about life goals? Currently I seriously have the settling down mentality. My girlfriend will probably be my first and my last. If everything is smooth sailing I will finish all my CFA exams level 1 to 3 by June 2014 (26 years old). By then I will need 2 more years of work experience to earn my CFA Charter (Yes they need 4 years of relevant work experience even if I passed everything). Probably I will take a 2 years Masters directly after CFA exams till 2016 (28 years old). By then I will be done with paying for my school fees at the age of 28 years old. I will be more or less done with studying (Bachelors, Masters, CFA.) However I will still be taking those certificates that are beneficial to my work. Education may not be useful in the working world but it does open new doors and opportunities for you. Most likely I will jump to front office dealing with people and selling financial products. Passive portfolio manager? Who knows.. Money is indeed very important but not that important at this juncture. I just have this mentality of completing all my education before putting my everything into work. Learn from the basics and necessary skills before going out to hunt. That's how I personally feel. If and if within these few years I do manage to find someone to live with for the rest of my life I do want to apply for a flat within the first year. =x (Yes I am hasty.) As I do really really want to settle down. The flat needs time to build up can! By 28 years old the flat should be more or less up and going with my education coming to and end. From then on is savings and having a child. I want 3 kids! (Girl, Boy, Girl.) Poor wife. =x Before 30 I wanna have a child! So that our parents and be grandparents soon! Actually our parents are really really old. Still working at their age to support the family with their tired minds and bodies. Really want to get the CFA Charter and earn more to support them. I really really do. =/ As always I do things not for myself but for others. Close to nothing is done for myself as I couldn't get the motivation to do it. I do not aspire to be extraordinary. All I want is to have a normal family of 3 kids living in a modest HDB flat, a modest car and trips around the world a few times a year. With my kids, parents and family living comfortably. That's all I ask for be it this year, next year or the year after. 

Okays I am too long winded!! Bye bye 2012 and say Hi to 2013! Year of the Snake! Hiss... =D