feeling real bad at the moment. if 2010 was bad i think 2011 maybe even worst. what a way to start the first day of the year with this kind of stuff. those who were close to me would have known that i am interested in this lady. got to know her through a group of friends. its something thats not long ago. probably a month? or maybe 2. well.. i was really attracted to her due to various qualities she had in her. so i started to message her after getting her number. went out with her about 3 times? we messaged quite a bit. however there are times whereby she will reply me once in hours or never even reply me at all. its obvious that she isn't interested in me. as who will like someone like me. i wouldn't even like myself if i am a girl. look at myself. my teeth is not even straight nor white. face also not smooth with pimples all around. hair's like a birds nest that could house a family of birds. build also don't have build. so fat so heavy with such a big tummy. education wise i was never the top of the class not to even mention school. not rich too without a car. attitude wise also suck. no determination no discipline no motivation no direction. just a lowly specialist in army and being a nobody. after twenty three years i can say that i have nothing. absolutely nothing to be proud of. i have no qualities in me whatsoever for people to want to get close to me or even like me in this case. no matter which girl i am interested in all of them won't even be interested in me no matter how hard i try or what i do. take her for example. she was looking for this perfume she used for the past 5 years and suddenly its out of stock. i took a day to walk the whole of town, mustafa and even kovan just to find it for her. every time when i pass by a perfume shop i would be sure to walk right in and take a look. i even tried to buy it online, ask people from overseas to take a look for me just to put a smile on her face. all this kind of stuff that i have done. who will know? who am i doing it for? i seriously don't know what the heck am i doing anymore. i am just being myself when i am with her or talking to her. but she surrounded by the smart and handsome guys. and today while meeting my group of friends they told me that she's with her boyfriend. wow nice.. i am suppose to meet her tomorrow to pass her the perfume i bought for her. i messaged her twice to ask her about the movie and i got no reply from her. that's what she typically does when she's on a date i suppose? i seriously don't know to laugh or cry at the moment. should i be happy for her in finding her other half or should i cry for myself for being so god damn stupid. people believe in karma. yes i believe in it too. what you reap is what you sow. i have done so many nice things for the past 23 years of my life. and i am not those kind of guys whereby i will still talk to other girls or not caring towards my other half. why is there guys who can have a girlfriend and at the same time flirt and not cherish their girlfriends have people who like them. while people like me who will cherish the person with all my heart get nothing in return? why why why. what have i done wrong? just being devoted is not enough. must i really be those kind that clubs and smokes or whatever to be able to attract them? i seriously hate this kind of feeling as i am those kind that will be hurt deeply even from this kind of small stuff. my thoughts would wonder. i think this time i have seriously tried my best. i gave it all i have got towards her already. my believe towards relationships should change. i give up.. i should just be back to be introvert self and just be those old men without a wife. after trying so hard for so long.. i am tired. i am really really tired already. i know that i am not even worthy to be with anyone at the moment. probably i am worst than a cat or dog. i don't even know what am i typing already. haiz..