Been really ages since I last blogged. Seems like last year I only had 4 posts! That's little compared to previous years where I spammed my thoughts online on my blog. Probably the laziness to actually open blogger to blog and the use of twitter for most of my daily rants. Of course my friends are included listening to my rants. Lucky to have one or two of them who can really listen to me. Thanks!

Well another year has passed and I am a year older. 2011 was not a good year I would say. The second half of the year was really horrible and terrible. Murphy's Law took place and everything that can go wrong went wrong. 2011 had been a year where my relationships really goes haywire. This includes relationship with friends, close ones and of course her. 

Wasted a whole year liking someone I should not have liked, worrying for someone I should not have worried, doing stuff for someone which obviously has no results. It comes to a tipping point where we could not even be friends till I woke up and know that she's really not the one. Many people have discouraged me from chasing her since ages ago at the start of the year as she was a really complicated person. Still remembering spending the last week of last year searching high and low for her perfume by myself when she was outside with her friend I suppose. On the first day of 2011 knowing that she was back with her boyfriend. Being rejected on the second day of the year when I knew rejection was 100% on the cards. Still really put in effort to buy for her birthday present for during birthday. And of course many many more countless bits and pieces I did for her. I still bought stuff for her from my Taiwan trip during December. All I could say was I tried my very very best to do whatever I can to win her heart. Being there when I obviously know that she was manipulating me seeking my attention. Sleeping at 3 to 4am just because she could not sleep. Taking the blame for something which I really should not have took. '当蝎子低下头跟你道歉，当蝎子为你放下冷漠，当蝎子为你流眼泪，当蝎子为你做傻事，当蝎子为你疯狂，当蝎子为你丢掉面子，当蝎子为你冷落朋友，当蝎子为你收敛霸道脾气，当蝎子不断关心你，当蝎子因为你喜怒无常；TA放下了尊严放下面子流出眼泪还默默忍受：这是蝎子爱你爱到骨子里 .' This was what I read on some horoscope page which I found it really true. Saying sorry when I am not in the wrong. Really opening up to you about everything I could possibly share.Shedding tears for you. Doing stupid stuff for you like searching the whole Singapore for your stuff. Putting you in front of my friends. The amount of times I told I friends I cannot make it just to accommodate your schedule. Never once did I say no to the date you have chosen. Being nice and caring to you 24hours 7days a week. Whenever your message or calls come I would reply or answer them immediately. Spending all the efforts and ideas to plan our dates and presents. Really putting my everything my hopes into you. I doubt you do not know how many ladies I gave the cold shoulder just for you. To me when I like someone I will not even touch any other ladies nor being close with them. No messages, no calls just plainly my attention 100%'s on you and only you. Well this is 2012, a new year for a new beginning. I really hope you will continue to do well in your studies and work. Although I will not talk to you as much nor ask you how are you doing, deep inside I will still be a little worried about you. 

Then comes my friendship with my this guy friend. He was someone whom I really trusted that much to tell him everything about myself. We were really close at school in a sense that when you see me in school except for council activities you will see him next to me. Outside school hours we study together during exam periods and even game together. However due to some stuff I was betrayed and decided to end the friendship due to his actions. It is way too long for me to blog about it and I am really tired of repeating the entire story again and again. Our quarrels somehow affected my university clique and splitting them up by a little. But I really cannot stand myself being with such a person. They say never double cross a Scorpio. I think it is really true. We are never quick to forgive and forget. Especially when you do stuff behind our back and got caught doing it. I was really nice not to retaliate on my part. If not for the really close friendship we had I would have attempted to destroy your university social life. This incident happened on the second semester of the year and during exams. The impact it contributed to my stress levels was immense when I really do care about friendships. Well, it is over and it is behind me now. I will not associate myself with you anymore.  

Then comes my brushes of conflict with my friends from council to close friends. Probably I am not in the right state of mind due to so many stuff happening around me at the same time. I really do not know how to handle them well. Everything was bombarding me left right up down center. I admit that my tolerance levels were at its lowest point where a tiny bit of stimulus will irritate me and hence my actions to certain stuff. Sorry for what I did but I really hope you guys can all understand what I am going through. The stress levels I had was really at its tipping point. To juggle all these problems with my commitments of council was really difficult. Last semester council was really busy. I was swamped with numerous appointments till I seriously thought of quitting council. Starting of semester two I got my event 01 which was really busy meeting the planning team when I have school. Then there was the annual bash being in the sales team. With the sales team where was countless booth duties to be done. I sacrificed my habit of reaching school early to study into doing booth duties. It took up massive amounts of my time. There was also council events like initiation and meetings to pass on information. Then I got course ambassador too and liaison to my department to pass down information. Although the last two was nothing much but my involvement in council really took up a huge chunk of my time in school. 

Furthermore complacency sets in on my second semester. Knowing that I did really well on my first semester with all distinctions I was relatively relaxed on my second semester. I studied my tests and exams days before instead of doing them weeks before. Tutorials not done, textbooks not read. I was far from what I was during the first semester. I thought I could produce miracles when I listen in classes. It was really not enough considering the difficulty of the modules. The second semester I got 2 credits, 1 distinction and 1 high distinction. This kind of result was really common and everyone I asked has this result or were better than me. My GPA fell from 3.5 to 3.125. My buffer was no more. Many people were pissed at me for feeling sad when I in fact scored quite well in their standards. There are reasons for my high expectations of myself. Ever since I was young I was never really good at anything. I am neither a sporty person nor a smart kid. I am also not hardworking and spend my time being engrossed in various games but not studying. I could never make my parents feel proud of me. Looking at my track record. What do I really have to be proud of? Everything was normal and plain. If I were to look at myself in the mirror I will not even look at myself. Not qualified, no looks, not rich. Everything's in a mess. Still trying to fit myself into somewhere. I do not even have goals for myself. My determination is weak. However during the first semester I did well and for the first time I was proud of myself for doing well. It was something I never knew I could do. In addition I am studying full time, all the more I should put studying as my priority. It is my last chance to ever study if I do not have the capabilities to do so in the future. At least getting a degree with distinction will boost my chances of landing a better job even my a tiny bit. I listen to classes really hard in school and my understanding of the modules was really adequate for a distinction for all my modules. When I got my results in the morning. I really really felt like crying. It was something I never felt before crying for my school work. I just felt really sad that I did not perform to expectations. 

There was also ippt during the exam period. My ippt window closes on 8 November and my last paper was on the 9 November. I know I could not have passed my ippt. Knowing that I will fail the ippt I still went to train a little. The fear of doing 20 rt sessions was weighing heavily on my mind during exam period. Well, luckily there is this ipt thing now which ys is going with me. If not for this I would be feeling really bad about myself now. This summarized what I went through during my second semester of the year. It really sucks and I was depressed every single day with these numerous events happening around me. I just spent most of my time eating or stoning just to not face these problems. But I am glad they are all gone and probably will never be solved. However I know I can salvage the stuff I can for now. This included getting my degree with distinction and completing my ipt. This will be my goal in the first half of 2012. Relationships wise probably not as I do not have the ability to fend for myself at the moment much less to say for someone I like. Although my mum's really hurrying me to find a girlfriend every other day, I will really seek what is important to me at the moment. She still say I never go out and know more girls. I think if I show her my Facebook she will stun. LOL Seriously I have a lot of girls around me meh! Why does every other guy says so. Maybe they have not met yew suan yet. New year resolutions are meant to be broken so I shall do away with the tradition and keep them inside myself. New year new beginnings. I shall end this entry with some quote from somewhere. 'Another year has passed. Hope everyone will stop and reflect on the year that has gone by. To remember both our triumphs, miss steps, our promises made and broken, the times we opened ourselves to great adventures or closed ourselves down for fear of getting hurt. This brand new year hope everyone has a chance to forgive, to do better , to do more, to give more and to love more:)'