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Name: Yin Bin Hao Fabian
Birthday: 9th November 1988
Horoscope: Scorpio
Currently serving national service
Previously from Temasek Polytechnic
Logistics and Operations Management


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Saturday, February 09, 2013

Words here cannot possibly describe how I felt about this little tweety bird that I know of.

It's been more than 2 years since I have known her and ever since then my life has been full of up and downs with most of my mood swings tied to this little bird. It was really a love-hate relationship that I have. I really like her so much to the point where I will literally give her the entire world if I could. Yet she had brought me so much unhappiness that I would definitely not want to remember. It’s really easier to be loved than to love.

This passage here really made me pondered and it really accurately depicts what I have been feeling. http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/dont-wait-for-anyone-wknd/ I have decided to paste the entire passage here as it was really one hell of a good read.

‘‘There are people you will always wait for. You want them to be a part of your life, to approve of your decisions, to love you in the way you love them. Even if they say, in so many words, “I am not interested,” you will choose to interpret it as a temporary speed bump instead of the road block it was intended to be. You can lose months, years, waiting for someone who has already made it clear they have no desire to catch up. You wait for them largely because you think that, in the time between now and when they realize they actually care about you, you’ll be able to change into the person they likely want you to be. You’ll be wittier, thinner, happier, and more fun. You’ll have become the person you know you’re capable of being, and they will have magically realized that they were wrong.
There are people who make you wait. Worse still than those for whom you wait of your own volition, these are the people who know they have a certain amount of control and influence over your life and use it to make sure you don’t go anywhere while they look around for the possibility of better options. You are a placeholder for them, someone who can fill in for real emotions in a pinch but isn’t who they dream about at night. The idea is that you will be on standby, waiting for them to decide you deserve a few minutes of their time, and will be happy with whatever they let you have.

What is the worst part of waiting for someone? Is it the constant state of never knowing? There is something to be said for the stomach-dropping uncertainty of having no control or say over someone who is so intensely tied to your emotions. It can become addictive, the feeling of endless waiting punctuated by the occasional moment of a text or call or vague indicator of affection which can tide you over for another few weeks or so. But it is undoubtedly the humiliation inherent in waiting for someone which is the most profoundly insulting, which leaves scars you will pick at for years to come. To be this person who is dependent on another for happiness, for affirmation, for permission to exist the way you choose to — how embarrassing. It conjures up words like “desperate,” “needy,” or “annoying,” words you know only hit the tip of the iceberg.
There is never a good outcome in waiting for someone. There is only life to be missed, and parts of yourself to hide away in an effort to be what you imagine they want. There are only edges to be dulled and dignity to hand over to someone else. There is much to be lost in waiting for someone. And sure, there are times when two people are waiting for each other — when logistics or circumstances are keeping them apart for whatever reason. But that is not waiting. That is not lingering at the edge of some invisible cliff, waiting to be pushed off. That is love as much as any other, if only separated by a few inconvenient outside factors. Waiting is the absence of love, the decision to put yourself in a chronic state of unhappiness on the off-chance that the one you love will take pity on it and love you back.
Love never works that way. There is no amount of self-flagellation that will add up to enough credit to get someone to reciprocate your feelings. We have all lost time waiting for someone who never noticed us — or, at least, never noticed the person we actually were. We have all done that dance of being The Perfect Person in an effort to trick someone into finding us lovable. But waiting only ever hurts the one who engages in it, only humiliates those who put aside their self-respect long enough to say that someone else’s happiness is more important than their own. We are told non-stop to sit and wait passively for the love of someone else to come and make things better, to wait until it validates and beautifies and rewards us for having been so patient. But think of all the wonderful things we could be doing instead of waiting, the people we could be if we weren’t tempering our us-ness to impress someone else. Surely even a mediocre day lived fully is better than the best day which is spent in waiting.’’
It was really hard to try and try again thinking that I will have a chance one day. Probably one day she’ll find out that no other guy has treated her as well as me. Maybe this maybe that? It’s literally full of internal struggles within my puny brain. There’s this constant battle to give up or not to give up. And then this passage hit me.

What I have been doing is not love at all! Love should never be so one sided. Where’s the happiness of liking someone? Or the adrenaline when the other person asks how you or what are you doing? It should never been me being so one sided always giving a listening ear! I am really a sensory person and often than not I could predict what she want to say or how she wants me to react. It’s those minute hints that I incorporated when talking to her to show that I really care.

How often do you hear a guy being so troubled over a girl for eternity? How often do you hear a guy cry because of a girl? How often do you see a guy bending at your will to meet you when you decide to meet? I can seriously tell you that I am one hell of a person with pride to everyone but you. I could literally put down my pride just for your sake.

Oh well it’s true that you did not ask for it and did not send me the wrong signals. Everything’s more of my fault for assuming too much. That’s why this has to stop! Right now right here today.

The passage really hit me hard. If it’s meant to be it it’s meant to be. If I truly have a chance there wouldn’t be new boyfriends in the middle of these 2 years. It goes to show that time is never really a factor in relationships for girls. If that guy is right and everything suits her criteria a few weeks would be enough. Not some long two year old courtship here and there. Maybe it was me being in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person.

But I really really really admire this little tweet. She’s really one hell of a strong fighter with so much stuff overwhelming her. I will not deny the fact that I will crumble if I am in her shoes. That’s why I have decided probably it’s heaven’s will for me to be here as her friend.
Just someone who will be there for her even if the entire world turned their backs on her.
Just someone who’s always there to listen to her troubles and cheer her up with whatever ways a Dumbo could think of.
Just someone who I could never expect anything in return.
Just someone who can never fulfill her expectations of someone she can like or respect.
Just someone who can be taken for granted for always being there.  
Just someone who will never be angry no matter how harsh I am treated.
Just someone who constantly worries about your wellbeing be it rain or shine.
Just someone who stalks you every day on your updates hoping you’re doing fine.

However this time, I will be there as a friend. Not someone who likes you or someone who loves you. It’s time for me to seek out my own happiness as well. Not placing yours above mine as I have given up on myself far too much. I deserve more don’t I? There are always lessons to be learnt and lessons to be taught. It’s all this emotion that makes us human isn’t it? Being able to hate, being able to love, being able to breathe in another breathe of air and tell ourselves that we are alive. There’s so much in life that I have missed! Being able to decide for myself, have fun with everyone without worrying! Life itself is an irony. We always cherish things that we have lost and being complacent on things that we have. Self-destruction will never be a viable option. It will only show how weak that person is. It’s the attention that everyone seeks subconsciously. The craving for being loved and being wanted, it makes us feel human. Makes us feel special that hey someone is missing me! Life itself is also a zero sum game. You gain something and you lose something. There’s no perfect person in the world. You can be handsome but poor, ugly but happy. It really depends on what perspective you’re looking at. If you think you feel sad, naturally the brain will send signals to your body that yes you’re sad! So why be sad when you can be so much happier as a person! I want to believe that everything happens for a reason. Probably this is where I grow up, be a man and be a better person. There’s no right or wrong in relationships and I will and still be there for you. However this time I will place my needs above yours. That’s how it should be isn’t it! Although I know you’ll never have the chance to read this, I want to say I did not regret knowing you. There’s bound to be happiness and sadness in relationships. Why look at the sadness and not the happiness you brought me? One day I will find that special someone and show you to her proudly this is someone whom I have liked in the past! J

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